7 steps to return to the former
Man and woman
Step 1: First step back!
This advice may seem a little strange, suggests Frederic Dittmar from Leipzig, a personal development coach. After all, do you want to deal with him or her again? Then you must first move a certain distance. And this is a really good idea – for several reasons. After parting, especially at first, we are usually in an emotionally unstable state.
Different and sometimes conflicting feelings literally blow us up from the inside. They dominate and prevent clear thinking. Anger, fear, pain, rejection, loneliness, resentment, euphoria from freedom … The first impulse – to quickly return everything to normal – can be dangerous precisely because of its impulsiveness, and therefore recklessness.
Protect yourself from this, wait until everything calms down. At first, the longing for a former partner is very great, but – let’s be honest! – sometimes arises out of habit. This feeling becomes weaker and weaker over time. Until it disappears completely. And once you try to remember his or her face and … you cannot.
The most important thing after breaking up is to get back to your relationship. You need to completely focus on yourself. This is best done when we consciously step back and look at the situation from the side. So we return the inner balance. And when we reach it, we understand what we really want.
“You will understand what really went wrong in the relationship. Whatever mistakes we make, in a state of equilibrium, you can figure out how to prevent them in the future, ”comments Frederick Dittmar. – All this is easier to understand when you do not constantly have him or her “in front of the nose”. Therefore, please do not be afraid to miss the time, moving away, it will not be lost – on the contrary! You may find that you no longer have feelings for your former partner. I constantly observe that many seek to return too early. And above all, because they have a great unconscious fear of loneliness. ”
Not the best reason to try again: the chances of success in this case are very, very low.
Step 2: Contact him or her
Contact is worth it only after the internal balance has been restored and you no longer blame him or her for anything. If resentment still torments you, go back to step 1. Otherwise, the very first news exchange will completely unsettle you. There is also a danger that you will find yourself too emotionally dependent, clinging to him or her, running after an ex-partner.
And this, unfortunately, does not contribute to your attractiveness. Wait for the moment of emotional balance when you feel good. Write him or her a letter (about him in step 3) or a message in the messenger. Wait for an answer. Then try to start a conversation. And initiate a meeting.
If he or she does not react in any way, this is also a very clear answer. Another shows us that he is not interested in us. Please respect his choice. The same can be said if the meeting seems strange to you. So, the chemistry that you painted in your fantasies is actually absent. In this case, it is better to disperse, which is also worthy of respect from both sides.
Step 3. Write a letter if it’s difficult to speak
For many who want to reunite with the former, the biggest obstacle is renewed contact. Especially after a long separation and lack of communication. Most people think that it’s enough to write “Miss you”, “I love you”, or “I can’t without you” – and repeat it again and again. But in fact, this is of no use.
Who wants to return to the weak and needy? We’ll have to analyze the relationship, find out why the gap occurred. At this moment, it’s not about your feelings – you know about them and so it didn’t help you much. Therefore, change the strategy.
“In a real meeting, we may be confused or not choose the right words. With a letter, you have at least two to three days to think about what you want to write, to organize your thoughts. Thus, you will not only avoid mistakes, but your message will be even more effective. Attention: the letter is not a hundred SMS. A letter is a verified complete whole text, ”the coach notes.
But what does a perfect letter look like? A letter that suits everyone and everyone does not exist. After all, circumstances are different. Thus, the more personal the message, the better.
- Take your time to write and send. Ponder the text.
- Stretch the pleasure for several days.
- Write down what comes to mind, not what you read somewhere or someone smart said. Let the heart speak.
- Be always open and honest, do not try to be perfect “not yourself”, otherwise the former will quickly expose cunning tactics and disappointedly turn away.
You can write why you do not want to forget him or her. Which pages of a shared story do you value? What traits do you like about him / her. Why is he / she special to you? And what are your desires, goals and hopes for the future. It is also important to make a weighty decision to break, recognize and analyze the mistakes that were made for the first time.
Thus, he or she will understand that you have carefully considered everything, and not fell victim to the impulse, which you will soon regret. What you really want this time to do everything right. Do not be afraid to show your vulnerability: sincerity is only at hand.
Step 4. Enjoy the conversation.
Are you all right? Even after the third, fourth meeting? Do you have fun with each other, do you feel comfortable in the presence of each other? Do you trust each other? But please take your time. Do not force events. It is best to meet at a fixed time, for example, every Wednesday evening at 19 o’clock.
You can talk first, and then take a walk. Let it be an hour a week, but it will belong only to you two – without work mail, SMS, friends. Let it be a time when you are participating in each other’s emotional life. And it will bring you closer together. Talk to each other. This is especially important now.
Speak directly, but it’s tactful about what went wrong between you – don’t accumulate negative emotions
“When it comes to restoring relationships, talking is advised very, very often,” says the coach. “But there is a reason for this – open and honest communication with another again creates intimacy and trust.” What does this mean in this case? It’s best to share in advance what you both learned about you as a couple during your separation. Tell me what you want in the future, both from relationships and from a partner.
Speak directly, but at the same time tactfully about what went wrong between you – do not accumulate negative emotions. Talk about past mistakes. This indicates maturity, insight, and that you have thought it all over and are ready to do otherwise.
Step 5: Make Sure There is No Old Cargo
Have you really forgiven your partner? One thing is certain: if there are complaints and open accounts, then starting over is very problematic. Moreover, the danger is great that some insults will come to your mind at the most inopportune moment. Therefore, you should ask yourself the following questions:
- What injuries from our past are still painful for me?
- What do I need to do to end them myself?
- What can another do for this?
- What can be done together? Sit nearby and develop a plan to achieve this.
Step 6: Pay attention to yourself and time together
It is especially important to take care of yourself and your interests in the initial period of the resumption of relations. But after him too. Because each of us has a need for both proximity and distance. This is always expressed in pairs in different ways: one needs more total time together, the other less.
See which measure is ideal for both of you. For many of us, our own hobbies and activities, being alone with ourselves is a necessary resource, including for relationships. Make sure that you have a joint business. For example, dance. Or invite each other to dinner every Saturday night. Look for an activity from which both of you will have fun and pleasure.
Step 7. Be in good shape!
And here you are together again. Stay in good shape, do not relax, that now everything is all right: he or she will not get away from me. Renewing relationships needs patience, discipline, and even stamina.
“Please keep in mind that relationships will require some work. Especially if you want to live happily, ”explains Frederick Dittmar. – And yes, there will be difficult moments. But if you laugh together, hold hands, are simply happy and satisfied with the relationship, then your efforts are not in vain. Because in return you will receive warmth, attention, care and love. And do not be too serious and stubborn: humor is a great helper in building relationships. ”