Sometimes, looking at a loved one and loved one, you suddenly realize that you cannot bear him. You think: “Yes, I hate you. I can’t even see! “
Has this ever happened to you? If yes, then welcome to the club. You are not alone. It just so happened that almost all of us sometimes begin to hate those we love the most, without always realizing it.
Researchers Vivian Zayas of Cornell Ithaca University and Yuchi Shoda of Seattle Washington University have found that people don’t just have to just hate or love each other. They feel both, sometimes at the same time. And that’s okay.
But where do difficult emotions come from and what can you do to deal with them?
Such a complicated love
How were scientists able to discover the hatred that hid behind love? They conducted a series of studies. Participants were asked to think about important and loved people. Then you had to describe your feelings for them – both negative and positive. Surprisingly, both the extreme degree of anger and the most vivid manifestations of tenderness were addressed to the same person.
After that, the participants passed a computer test. It allowed to catch even unconscious, hidden emotions. First, the name of a loved one appeared on the screen, and after it – emotionally colored words, both positive and negative, such as garbage, blood, dirt. The subjects had to press buttons and thus assign words into groups, negative and positive, as quickly as possible.
And then hate appears
Research has shown how our brains work when tasked with dividing words into groups. If we think of something pleasant when a positively colored word appears on the screen, then we quickly classify it as “good”. But if at this moment a negatively colored word appears, it is difficult for us to quickly categorize it as “bad”.
Conversely, when we think about something unpleasant, we are slower to identify positive words in the group of positive ones, but we react faster to negative ones.
However, the project participants, having seen the name of a loved one, equally quickly grouped positive and negative words. And not even just quickly, but almost instantly.
What does this mean? Each of us is capable of experiencing both love and hate for the same person, and without even realizing it. Those who are closest to us, such as romantic partners, evoke strong feelings on both sides of the spectrum – sometimes the thought of a loved one gives joy and excitement, and sometimes negative feelings of incredible power.
The same “one step”
Love-hate dynamics are the norm for close relationships of any kind. And this does not mean that by being irritated or even angry with your partner, you are doing something terrible or that everything is bad and wrong between you.
Even if this second you hate your other half, calm down. It is probably right now that you love her or him the most.
We are used to thinking about the negative and the positive as two ends of the spectrum proportional to each other. That is, if there is less joy, then more sadness, less love – more hatred, etc. But this judgment is only partially true. Sometimes we can experience conflicting emotions in one day or even one minute. This is the nature of human relationships.
Therefore, sentimental pictures on Instagram are only one side of the happy life of your friends and relatives. Just a small part of the couples history together.
Here I would like to tell you about another study by Zayas and Shoda. They asked the subjects to do the same, but only on the screen the name appeared not of a loved one and close, but an unpleasant person, for example, a former lover or friend. It turned out that the study participants experienced both hatred and love for these people.
It turns out that our grievances do not last forever, we cannot get angry every minute. As much as we hate those who were once dear, deep within us there are good feelings for them. Even if we are not ready to admit and realize it.
Not all bad feelings are equally bad for you.
Relationships don’t have to always be cloudless to be considered healthy and happy. But an overabundance of hatred can destroy even the strongest union. Then what is the salvation? As usual, in the balance between good and bad feelings, in harmony between the first and the second.
Research shows that happy couples experience 5 times more positive emotions than negative ones. And couples who are close to divorce – in a ratio of almost one to one.
In addition, there are emotions that are good for a relationship, and there are bad ones. For example, guilt and regret, when lived sustainably, contribute to change for the better, enable empathy and see things through the eyes of a partner. Feelings of guilt can help you draw the right conclusions and avoid repeating mistakes. And regret about parting with a friend is to understand that you still value him, miss him and want to return.
At times, conflict gives us an opportunity to overcome negative patterns and work through problems. As the saying goes, good is learned by comparison. We are simply not able to always be in a positive mood, we need a variety of emotions.
Moreover, if you constantly pull yourself up, force you to smile and push deeper pain, fear, sadness, anger, then real joy will still not work, and you will not be able to get rid of the burden of negativity.
How to make love stronger than hate
So how do you keep the perfect love-hate relationship? The secret here is not at all in avoiding conflict or suppressing all negative feelings that are completely natural to experience.
It’s all about understanding. If, as a result of the conflict, people came to a common denominator, sorted out and understood each other, they again feel happy. But if the quarrel is over, no one else shouts, and there is still no clarity, there will be no satisfaction, the problem will remain unresolved.
Studies have shown that partners who, although they fought constantly, but in the end understood and accepted each other, were happier than those who had an orderly and smooth relationship in the relationship.
Regardless of the cause of the conflict, understanding can help maintain closeness and love.
It’s the same with past grudges. If the subjects remembered the scandal, but were left with the feeling that they figured everything out, they were happier than those who simply forgot about conflicts.
In other words, the relationship will be strong if, despite the fights, you see and hear each other. The solution to the problem comes as a result of conflict, but, strangely enough, understanding can help even if a solution cannot be found. Let’s say we can argue about politics, religion, fashion or music and never prove to another that his point of view is wrong than ours.
Regardless of the cause of the conflict, understanding can help maintain closeness and love. It is especially important precisely when it is almost impossible to solve the problem and the opinion of the other will not change. Understanding on the part of the partner is equal for us to care, the desire to preserve the relationship. We see that our love is worth fighting for.
7 ways to learn to understand each other better
one. Instead of defending your opinion at all costs, try to look at everything from the point of view of your partner. Try to understand why he feels the way he does.
2. Try not to criticize, defend yourself, show contempt, or distance yourself. These four horsemen of the apocalypse are unlikely to contribute to understanding.
3. Do not doubt your partner, do not think that he wants to harm you. Most likely, he had no secret intentions.
4. Go forward if your partner is trying to make up.
5. Remember: you are not opponents, but a team. You have no goal to defeat each other, no goal to prove that the other is wrong. You are both going in the same direction, and the point of your dispute is to clarify the situation and agree.
6. Accept that it just won’t. Especially if your partner is not going to follow these rules.
7. Repeat to yourself as soon as you start to get angry: “I want to understand you and help you understand me. This is our main goal. “