You only meet late at night
“He either came to me or invited me to come to him, and it was always very late,” Vera recalls. – Obviously, he was only interested in sex, but I did not want to admit to myself that. I hoped that over time everything will change and we will fully communicate. This did not happen, and I became attached to him more and more. “
You only spend time at home
“Of course, everyone has days when you want to lie in bed and watch movies, but relationships suggest that you spend time as a couple: walking around the city, going to the movies or theaters, meeting friends,” says Anna. “Now I understand that his reluctance to get out somewhere is not due to the fact that he is a homebody (as I wanted to think), but only because he was mainly interested in sex with me.”
He only talks about sex all the time.
“At first I thought that he was very passionate about me and excessive fixation on the topic of sex is a manifestation of his passion,” Marina shares. – However, receiving messages of explicit images of the intimate parts of his body, when I do not ask about it, was unpleasant. I was in love, and it took time to admit to myself: for him this is nothing more than another adventure. “
His words diverge from deed
“Excessive compliments and assurances are an occasion to be wary and check what he is really ready for,” Mary is sure. “When my mother fell ill and needed the support of my friend, it became clear that he spoke all these beautiful words so that I would be there.”
He cancels the meeting
“I often took on the role of organizer of our leisure,” Inga admits. – And, despite this, he could at the last moment cancel our meeting, referring to urgent matters. Unfortunately, I realized too late that I did not become for him the person for whom many could sacrifice. “
It’s too closed
“We all differ in varying degrees of openness, however, if you trust him with information about yourself, and in return get only a game of the mysterious prince, he most likely either hides something from you or does not consider you as a partner for a long-term relationship, – Sure Arina. – I lived for a long time with the illusion that he was simply talkative and did not introduce me to my family and friends, because he wanted to check our relationship and in the future introduce me to them as a bride. Later it turned out that such conspiracy gave him the opportunity to maintain relations with several women at the same time. ”
He doesn’t take his phone off his hands
“He just has a responsible job – so I justified my friend until I finally realized: if he is easily distracted by extraneous calls and messages, this not only speaks of his lack of education, but also that I’m not very dear to him,” recognized by Tatyana.
“Such relationships reveal their own problems with the lack of internal support”
Natalya Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
What can unite women who maintain such ties? A partnership model is laid in communication with parents. If we have received enough love, support and security, then we pass by partners prone to destructive relationships and use.
If in childhood you had to earn parental love, take responsibility for the emotional instability or infantility of the parents, this unconsciously migrates to adult relationships. Love is associated with self-restraint, unhealthy self-sacrifice. We are looking for a partner who resurrects a childhood situation. And the condition “I feel bad” is associated with “this is love.”
It is necessary to restore the inner sense of security, gaining support in oneself
A distorted sense of security is formed in the relationship. If parents did not give this feeling, then in adulthood with a sense of self-preservation can be a problem. Like those women who “miss” danger signals. Therefore, it is not so important what these alarming calls are in relationships with unreliable men. First of all, starting off is not from them, but from their internal “holes” that such partners fill. A self-confident person will not allow the development of such a relationship.
Can I change this model? Yes, but it’s not easy, and it’s more efficient to do it together with a psychologist. It is necessary to restore the inner sense of security, gaining support in oneself. In this case, you do not give up the relationship, but do not feel the painful thirst for love in order to fill the inner void, relieve pain and get a sense of security. You are able to organize this love and security yourself.
Then the new relationship becomes not a lifeline, but a gift to yourself and an adornment of your already good enough life.
About the expert
Natalya Artsybasheva – Gestalt therapist. Her.