5 steps to bring back intimacy


1. Restore a trusting dialogue

Is communication enough for us, which has turned into an exchange of information about children and the household? After all, you want to be important to your partner, to see interest in his eyes. If we seek to establish mutual trust, we can start by sharing this desire with a partner. “Tell him about it peacefully and respectfully, avoiding any reproaches,” suggests family psychologist Inna Shifanova.

Stopping looking at your partner with disappointment and blaming them for not matching the ideal image that we had at the beginning of the relationship is the first step towards returning intimacy. Let’s look at him differently: as a person with whom we, from this moment, want to be happier, and we will try to take care of him as we would like him to take care of us.

“If you start a conversation with an affectionate address, there are far more chances that it will go well,” recalls Inna Shifanova. In addition, it is important to realize what kind of pair we dream to build. And then discuss it with your partner and think about how to achieve the goal. “Instead of making a list of everything that a loved one does not do,” continues the family psychologist, “it is helpful to ask him what we can do for him to make him feel loved.” Perhaps this will induce him to do the same.

Going out together gives partners the opportunity to see each other again as independent, attractive people

“For some time now, I finally realized: my beloved is different from me, he looks at many things differently, so he does not always guess what I did not say out loud,” says 43-year-old Svetlana. – Now, when I want something, I just ask him about it. I tell you what is important to me and ask about his wishes. I feel like I can trust him again. And the fact that we are different is no longer annoying. On the contrary, it’s interesting! “

2. Give each other time

With the advent of children, a married couple turns into a parent … and is often lost in it. Husband and wife need to set aside time to be alone. This is useful for both the couple and the kids who need to know that the parents have decided to live together not only to take care of them.

“It took me six months to persuade my wife to visit, leaving the child with her grandmother,” recalls 36-year-old Fedor. – And I can say I was lucky. Now we at least occasionally go out somewhere together. But we have familiar families, which seem to be divided: the wife stays at home, the husband walks around his friends. “

Some emotionally detach from a partner, risking sending him in search of the missing warmth to others. And a joint appearance “in the light” gives partners the opportunity to escape from worries and again see each other as independent, attractive people. But psychoanalyst Fabien Kremer suggests “setting aside time to be alone at home. If we spend one hour together every evening, without a TV, without a mobile phone and without children, we show each other that relationships are important to us. “

You can have a glass of wine together while preparing dinner, or go out with the dog. “Over time, you start to feel the need for such moments, because they really bring you closer together,” says 37-year-old Daria.

If the relationship becomes too mundane, it may be because both spouses, or one of them, avoid being face to face with their partner. What exactly are they afraid of? Get bored? Finding that they are not meeting the expectations of the other or their own? Here are some questions to think about.

5 steps to bring back intimacy

3. Continue courtship

“At home, she wears a tracksuit, and she brings beauty only when we’re going somewhere,” says 44-year-old Denis with regret. “I don’t think I’m important to her anymore.” Of course, it’s about a sense of proportion. Sometimes it’s nice to relax at home. But there is a danger that at some point the relationship will lose its eroticism.

“Staying seductive is a way of telling another“ I want you to like me ”and thus giving him confidence,” says psychotherapist Isabel Constant. In addition to caring for your appearance, there are other signs of interest that are more original than the duty kiss in the morning and evening. You can try to come up with something to make it pleasant for another to come home, to make him little surprises.

“Whether you want it or not, but” love killers “exist!” – 34-year-old Ekaterina is convinced. Indeed, it is difficult for us to remain mysterious when we know almost everything about each other: from signs of bad mood to physiological details. The generosity of love would like to forgive all this. But desire is far less forgiving. And here, according to Isabel Constant, the game comes to the rescue.

Mutual admiration builds self-esteem and fosters the desire to be together

“We make dates in bars and pretend this is our first meeting,” says 34-year-old Nikolai. “Every time I get to know my wife again, I see her with different eyes.” His wife Elena says that she is still surprised by the compliments of her beloved and the passion with which he conquers her over and over again.

Mutual admiration builds self-esteem and fosters the desire to be together. Our efforts to reinforce a partner’s confidence in their beauty and personal worth remind him – and us – why he has become indispensable.

4. Putting relationships first

A couple is not just a union of two. In it, everyone discovers values ​​that are important to him: communication, closeness, confidence in the future. When we start to doubt our worth and our place in the world, seeing ourselves as part of a couple can strengthen us. “By creating rituals that show that we are happy with the relationship, we give the partner confidence, remind him of the importance of our connection, and ourselves – of the commitments made,” says Fabienne Kremer.

But the common intimate space needs protection. Therefore, we need to establish boundaries between our couple and the outside world. Confirming such boundaries is the respect with which we always speak about a partner with others, no matter what happens in the relationship. Fabien Kremer also urges “to establish a connection with a partner in public and avoid ambiguous behavior, that is, not to meet with exes in his absence and not maintain close friendships with members of the opposite sex.”

Old fashioned? Each couple adopts their own rules of conduct. The main thing is to spare the lover’s sensitivity and not arouse his jealousy. Understand what offends him in order to be able to calm him down, as well as be well aware of the reasons why we sometimes want to have a relationship outside the couple. After all, “when we take on obligations, we inevitably have to give up something. But this is the price we pay to make our union with a loved one really something delightful, ”sums up the psychoanalyst.

5 steps to bring back intimacy

Support each other

Giving your partner the utmost importance means, among other things, taking into account their difficulties, listening carefully, being able to come to the rescue, putting everything aside. Of course it’s not easy. Our era encourages independence, and sometimes we habitually isolate ourselves, instead of opening up, asking a loved one for help and leaning on him.

And it is also not easy to recognize the seemingly simple fact that this closest person is different, his feelings, thoughts, intentions, needs are different from ours. Nevertheless, it is necessary “to accept the dissimilarity of the partner, not wanting to change him,” notes psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. To endure that he is not always in his best shape, that he can be sick and weak.

“This implies,” continues the psychoanalyst, “that we are able to accept our own weaknesses.” That’s what maturity is for. In addition, you should accept your partner’s past. For example, understand his responsibility for children from another marriage and act so that it is compatible with the couple we are building. This is not about sacrificing yourself for your partner or seeking to gain power over him by protecting him. But about being able to make concessions, hoping for reciprocity.

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