Everything is fine, you love each other, but he doesn’t want to move, or even worse – he doesn’t want to define your status in any way. Why? What makes men give up living together and a common future?
The word “commitment”
“My girlfriend is dear to me, but I don’t want to live together,” Artem admits. – I’m afraid that this will change a lot and the relationship will worsen. Anything we do now for each other just because we like it will become a duty. I saw many couples collapse because of this, and I don’t want to change anything. “
“To a large extent, these fears are created by the social background and media around us, which tell about unsuccessful relationships and conflicts,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. “Divorces have become commonplace, and even those men who have not yet tried to build relationships are distrustful of the institution of marriage.”
At the same time, a person can be internally ready for partnership and the obligations with which it is associated. However, as soon as this ceases to be his good will and turns into a social requirement, it immediately causes an internal protest.
“Prejudice can be associated with negative experiences in the parental family,” the expert said. “If a person is young enough and does not yet differ in rigidity, gradual rapprochement helps, when step by step he understands that he is able to independently build his personal life according to an independent scenario.”
“When I subscribe to what is considered a serious relationship, it is by default required of me loyalty,” says Arthur. “I don’t think I’m ready to take on such promises, but I don’t want to lie and cheat.”
The idea that from now on this is your only sexual partner stops many young men. The situation often changes after gaining sufficient sexual experience and love impressions, when there is a need for intimacy, which can be achieved with only one person. There are those who do not accept monogamous relationships for themselves.
“Frequent partner changes can be associated with sexual addiction, which masks other, deeper problems,” says Marina Miaus. – This is not so much a physiological need as a psychological one – a person uses sex for self-affirmation and raising self-esteem, trying to supplant the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of being lost. However, this turns out to be only a sublimation of real warmth and intimacy. Fear and mistrust of the other do not allow you to dwell on one partner. “
Someone will be closer
“I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll meet with someone who will be more suitable for me, will become my real soul mate,” says Roman. “Even when I’m in love, I subconsciously live with this feeling.”
“Elsewhere, the grass is always greener – according to this saying, men can also perceive love relationships,” explains Marina Miaus. – This is partly due to the “delayed life syndrome”, when a person lives with the feeling that he is only preparing for another, real, more intense one.
Under various pretexts, he postpones other areas of his possible realization and often does not realize what is happening. In the end, this inevitably leads to internal conflict and deep disappointment. “
Concessions and compromises
“If we are together, I will not be able to manage my time as before,” Maxim believes. “I don’t want to be accountable to anyone and conflict, so it’s better to just meet when we both like it.”
“If the need to build an alliance prevails at some point in life, then the skills of compromise can be gradually mastered,” the expert believes. – However, what is happening can be complicated by intimophobia – a pronounced fear of dependence on a partner. In this case, a person is much more difficult and less likely to overcome the internal barrier on the way to rapprochement. “
How to be a woman?
“We are so close, why does he not want to live together?”, “I don’t understand why, after several successful dates, he does not delete the profile on the dating site?” – I often hear these questions from women, says Marina Miaus. – If you feel the inferiority of a relationship, the worst thing that can be done out of fear of losing it is to tacitly agree with the status quo.
Deep down, a woman hopes that her lover will someday change his mind. When the waiting period is delayed, the psyche uses one of the strongest defenses – rationalization, and we convince ourselves that we do not need a close connection either. Sooner or later this internal conflict ends in a crisis. “
Therefore, mutual honesty is so important, and if your ideas about how the union will develop do not coincide, you need to make a choice.
Sometimes the other party begins to imitate involvement in a relationship and a willingness to commit.
“People with narcissistic traits often do this, first bringing their partner closer, building the illusion of close and trusting relationships, and then unexpectedly pushing them away,” the expert explains. “These emotional swings become the basis of the relationship, and the other party has a false feeling that she is loved, but now only” temporary difficulties “that are important to go through.”
However, this is only the ersatz of human closeness, and the sooner you manage to find the strength to admit it, the more chances you have to meet a person with whom you have the same inner values and life plans.
About the expert
Marina Myaus – cognitive therapist, family psychologist.