In dreams and in reality
The fact that a vivid human imagination is the basis of any progress, any creative act has long ceased to require proof. As well as the fact that relationships, including their intimate side, are a creative process that excites our imagination, which throws up desires and dreams, sometimes unexpected for ourselves.
So why, when we catch ourselves on sexual fantasies that we have not practiced in our life, we often experience negative emotions – from embarrassment to suspicions that “something is wrong with us”? Because inside of us is still strong the centuries-old dogma about the sinfulness of sex as a pleasure.
Sexologists’ data suggest that a significant proportion of sex fantasies are almost the same for most men and women. Fantasies can arise in the form of erotic dreams and in the form of lucid ideas about sexual play with your participation.
American sexologist Justin Lemiller analyzed data from surveys of more than four thousand men and women in his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want: Studying Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex Life. The overwhelming majority of fantasies shared by 97-99% of respondents are, first of all, emphasizing passion and romance (99%), bringing novelty and variety to sex (97%), sex with BDSM elements (96% of women and 93% of men).
We will not touch on fantasies with an alleged expansion of the circle of participants or imaginary sex with any “star” here, since if you are not going to radically transform your relationship with your partner, then these types of fantasies are better left for personal use. At the same time, naturally, do not forget that there is nothing reprehensible in them. Let’s dwell on dreams that, with mutual desire, can be realized together.
Why are we so scared to tell about this
40% of those surveyed reported that they did not dare to talk about their secret desires with a partner. The most common reasons are fear of being misunderstood. A significant number of respondents reported negative experiences.
Why it happens? It would seem that both partners should be interested in the maximum harmonization of intimate relationships. However, studies have shown that about half of people do not want to know about the erotic desires of their partners, and this applies equally to both men and women.
Wiebke Neberich, a researcher of human sexual behavior at the German Humboldt University, believes that the basis of one partner’s unwillingness to know about the content of the other’s sexual fantasies is most often the fear that he will not be able to satisfy these desires.
The reasons for this impossibility are very different – from purely physiological to those lying in the sphere of moral attitudes imposed by public opinion. As a result, instead of mutual understanding between partners, an insurmountable obstacle may arise.
The researcher believes that a compromise can be found: one partner meets the desires of the other, but he, in turn, understands that not all of his fantasies will be realized.
Scheherazade’s secrets: what and how to say?
One of the most striking examples of how to tell about fantasies is a series of Arabic fairy tales called “1001 Nights”. The main heroine Scheherazade saves her life, for three years inventing stories for the Sultan.
It seems that what is easier – to cut off the narration at the most interesting place so that the listener waits for the continuation. However, here the details come to the fore – in order to emotionally involve the listener, you need to tune in to his wave. That is, choosing the right accents in the story, taking into account its emotional mood, preferences, setting, is what in the language of modern psychology is called adjustment and leading. A high degree of empathy, sensitivity to the partner’s reactions, intuition and tact are important here.
It is unlikely that you really need 1001 nights, but the time, place, mood of your partner and yours, the sun outside the window or the stars in the sky – every detail can affect the listener’s perception of your story.
If you can present your desires in such a way that the partner perceives them as his own, then victory will be for both of you. Entering this territory, one must be aware that it is always a risk. And if the dominant emotion is fear of misunderstanding and even hostility, then it is worth thinking a thousand times whether it is necessary to tell.
But when refusing to talk, honestly analyze the reason. If you understand that your partner’s ideas about intimacy are fundamentally at odds with yours, think about it – don’t you need to discuss this? And based on the results, draw conclusions, what is more for you in this relationship – joy or difficulties? And decide if you need this union.